Long Time Coming
by onlythingisee
Summary: I judged because I never quite understood how it felt like to be divided and broken by someone who was supposed to love you. Now, I do. But after everything, I still want him. I don't know how to make it stop.
1. Chapter 1

It's always easy to judge other people. It comes naturally. You've never been in certain situations and yet, judging is sometimes our first instinct. Yeah, sometimes you don't voice your judgement, but sometimes you do. And that's what ruins you, shatters all illusions, takes your breath away, because back then you never thought you would go through these certain situations and then suddenly you are. You have become what you judged. And all that advice and judgement you passed onto someone else? You never took it for yourself. Maybe you were scared or your old advice never even crossed your mind, but it's still there because those who you have judged are now judging you. Trying to help you, console you, rectify this certain situation, but you just want them to save their advice because you don't care, and it hurts when people think they know what you feel. At that precise moment, you'll have a flashback of some sort where you're telling someone how they feel, explaining their troubles. It makes you feel like a fool. You feel like a fool right now, don't you?

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><p>Rosalie moved to Forks when I was seven. She moved to the rich side of this small town in Washington because her father was some hot-shot doctor that apparently was way too good for New York City. My mom met him at the grocery store, he told her his name was Benjamin Hale, but she should call him Ben. My mom seemed to really like him. I met Benjamin Hale on the first day of second grade when Rosalie walked in wearing a huge bow in her hair and too much glitter. I caught him having a conversation with one of the teachers and even as a seven year old I could tell he was quite pretentious. He introduced himself as Dr. Benjamin Hale and never let the teacher call him Ben. When we made eye-contact, I felt like he already knew who I was. My mom really did like him though, and I would later learn just how much.<p>

Rosalie and I never really got along that well. Actually, that's a lie. We just never got along. At all. You see, even as seven year olds, we felt invisible pulls towards other kids, and that's how it was for the rest of our school years. She hung out and made friends with the rich kids, the ones who didn't need to worry about finding part-time jobs because their stinking rich parents could afford to buy them a car, pay for their insurance, clothes, food, cell-phone bills, etc. I, on the other hand, am not as lucky. My dad is a policeman. My mom works at the grocery store. My dad likes his job and spends a lot of his time working extra hours because he says we need to make ends meet, but I know it's because he doesn't want to deal with my mother's antics. My mom hates her job and I think she resents us for her time there. Well, she has told me that she does in fact resent us, but I think she says that out of anger at her own stupidity. Getting pregnant with me by Charlie was clearly not on her life to-do-list.

Many things that other kids in school have and take for granted, for me, are luxuries. For example, I first got a cell phone at the end of tenth grade, when everyone else had one in middle school. And even then, it was a very outdated phone -one of Charlie's old one's. It didn't have any way to connect to the internet or have a good camera, and the plan my parents could afford really only allowed me to use it for emergencies. So, I couldn't really give my number out to people I met because if they texted me, I felt bad when I wouldn't have enough minutes or messages to respond. I only had 3 contacts. My dad, my mom, and 911. My dad thought it was very important for me to put 911 in my contacts, even though he knew it would just lead me to him.

I know some people in the world don't have food and I'm over here with a bed and enough warm blankets complaining about a crappy cell-phone, but it just becomes one more thing that makes me different. In Forks High School, you don't need things to make you different, I've learned that it's a hassle dealing with people so I stay away from them. I eat alone, I do my homework alone, I study alone. But differences are kind of like a huge red sticker on your face, and that's hard to ignore. I choose not to make friends because I don't want to go through anymore rejection, I just wish they chose to ignore me back. Don't call me names or touch my things. Just leave me be.

Our class size is roughly 50 and let me tell you, it's hard being the odd one out when no one's standing next to you. I've gotten used to it, though. I go to school either by foot or on the bus and I wait in an empty corner of the student parking lot for the main doors to open and let us all in. In order to avoid Rosalie and her squad, I have to make sure that I don't go inside at the same time they are. If I get past this obstacle, then the rest of the day isn't much to worry about. Yeah, I see them at lunch and some of my other classes, but they rarely make any fuss over me unless I'm the one to attract attention to myself. And I don't do that, well, at least not on purpose. Anyways, sometimes I'm too engrossed in a book or finishing my AP Chemistry homework that being early to the main doors is next to impossible. That's when I become the ridicule of Forks High School and I berate myself for it every single time it happens.

Like today.

Except today I wasn't doing homework, or reading a book, or napping. I was staring at a messy head of bronze hair.

The one thing my mom is really good at is gossiping. She loves gossiping and her job makes it really easy. People say whatever they want to say in innocuous places like grocery stores. That's how she heard that Forks, WA had a new handsome hot-shot doctor: Carlisle Cullen. Great father, great husband, great doctor, his responsibilities in that order. His wife Esme Cullen is a stay-at-home mom because Carlisle has made it possible for her not to work. They have two children: Edward and Alice. My mom told me that Edward is a junior just like me, and Alice is a senior. My mother was mocking the family, like, "Oh, super rich happy family moves to small town. Wife doesn't need to work while people like me have to work like slaves. How typical." She made the Cullens sounds like a newspaper ad. And like always, my father didn't contribute anything to the conversation.

The main doors were already open as I rummaged this new information in my head, trying to find my bearings. When I look back up, I don't see any bronze hair anywhere. I sprint to the doors, hopefully thinking that I could make it inside and to the library quickly, until I realize that I forgot my book bag at my corner. I sprint all the way back and that's when I find Rosalie and this guy Royce, who I've known since we were in diapers, and my AP English binder on the ground, it's contents filling the air, it's papers making this 'plop' noise once some of them hit a mud pile. I can't do anything else but stand there because I honestly don't even know what to say.

"Rosalie, did you touch my stuff?" And I'm really out of breath because of my sprinting marathon. And clearly, I ask obvious questions because I don't know what else to do.

Her ice blue eyes make contact with my dull brown eyes and she smirks, her perfectly curled blonde hair hanging off her shoulders.

"I think it's so cute how you study old tests and old homework assignments just as an excuse for you to look at something." Her smirk is still on her face and I want to slap it off of her, but I know nothing good will come of it. So, I walk past her, pick up as many things as I can, stuff them in my bag, and walk to the main doors.

High school is quite lovely, isn't it?


	2. Chapter 2

I've lived in Forks my entire life. Born and raised here. I know everything there is to know about this town; who lives where, who owns the good restaurants, who owns the bad ones, where people work, who just got married, who just got divorced, etc. I can even recognize a lot of cars which kind of freaks me out. I swear I'm not trying to be a stalker or creepy, but it's just something you learn as time goes by. I know for a fact that Mrs. Carmen Denali needs a new car, one day it's going to break down when she is driving Tanya and her sisters to school. Tanya would probably really like that.

Tanya and I used to be friends. I won't get into too much detail of the "used to" part because I honestly don t understand it myself. We were friends in elementary and middle school and then we weren't. She stopped trying to walk to school with me. She didn't want to come over to my backyard and hang by the old willow tree. It sucks because that was my favorite place ever and now it's tainted with images of us laughing and sharing snacks and it depresses me a little. It's like my only friend disappeared without an excuse. Except she didn't really disappear, I could go to her house right now, but it's different because now she wouldn't bother answering the door. Or maybe she would now. Maybe enough time has passed and she would open the door and say "Hey Bella, it s so good to see you! Do want to come in? I've been waiting for you to come by." And I guess I'll never know because I know won't go back there anymore, but I still think about it a lot. You see, that's the thing about not getting explanations: it makes you crazy.

I tried for so long and real hard for Tanya to talk to me and tell me why she blew me off. One time I went for a walk and somehow ended up in front of her driveway. It was strange because I never thought about going there and I never thought about knocking on her door, but I did. And I certainly didn't think about sitting on her porch steps after she said "Hey Bella, is there something you need? I asked you not to come by anymore. Do you need me to call Charlie for you or are you going to walk home?" And then her mom came out of the house and said she was sorry but that my father was on his way to pick me up because apparently it was raining really hard but I was sad and I didn't notice the raindrops smacking my cheeks. I thought it was my tears.

I felt really uncomfortable so I went to her driveway even though her mom said I should come in and wait, but didn't she know that her daughter no longer wanted me there? When Charlie came by, I was soaked. He questioned my visit, told me he never wanted me to go there again because it was cruel of them to not let me in or wait on their porch, but her mom did, and I never bothered to correct Charlie. I feel bad that I didn't, but at the time I just wanted someone to be on my side.

So I started high school all by myself and Tanya became her own person and we grew up and blah blah blah. It's junior year now and nothing has changed much. I'm still all by myself and Tanya hangs with the same crowd since freshman year. I don't really care anymore. In freshman year I did, I would always look for her, seek her out from the crowd, it was just instinct and pure loneliness. Now, I'm still lonely, but it is a different type of loneliness. A type that I've grown used to and actually like. It s comforting. But sometimes when I'm at home and I have nothing to do, I think "it would be really nice to go out to a diner with a friend" or "that movie trailer looked cool, wish I had someone to go with". But they're fleeting thoughts that disappear quickly with a blink of my eyes.

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><p>My dad started taking care of Grandma Swan a couple of years ago. She had intense back pain that wouldn't let her get out of bed, let alone go to work. She just turned sixty and used to work at the library. She loved to read, it was the perfect job for her. She was very friendly and kind. Now, you never know what she's going to be like. She's at a nursing home because she has dementia.<p>

As soon as my grandmother began going through changes, she moved in with us because we wanted her to feel comfort instead of being lonely. It was very unsettling because she kept getting confused with her surroundings, didn't want to eat much, and on some days I could hardly talk to her. We saw many doctors and heard a lot of advice, but decided that a nursing home would suit my Grandmother a lot better. And she's been there ever since.

When I wake up for school the next morning, it's snowing outside so I have to put on layers. I pull a sweater from the top of my closet, but a book falls on my head instead.

_Desolation Angels by Jack Kerouac_

I remember hiding it under my sweaters once when my parents were arguing about one of my Grandmother s episodes where she through all of her stuff around the house. She was so upset about something, but I didn't understand because she wasn't in the present and frankly I was scared. When my mom came home and saw the destruction, she put everything my Grandmother threw in a bag and threatened to throw it out if she didn't stop the yelling. My mother just didn't understand that my Grandmother was no longer herself. At the moment, she didn't care about anything.

My mom didn't throw anything out, but at the time, I thought she would and Desolation Angels was my Grandmother s favorite book ever, so I hid it and forgot all about it.

I see her frequently, but she's not really herself anymore.

Is it possible to miss someone who doesn't exist?

Because Bethany Marie Swan is no longer Bethany Marie Swan. She is now a stranger to me, and she's also a stranger to herself.

And that's what brings me to tears.

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><p>"How are you doing today, Ms. Swan?" Mr. Banner likes greeting us in homeroom. It's nice of him, but I have a headache today after crying this morning and I'm not really in the mood to make small talk with him.<p>

I nod at him and quickly find my seat because I don't want any more questions.

I'm tired and I want to go back to bed.

When I was really young my Grandmother used to sing me to used to sing Asleep by The Smiths. When I was five, I thought the song was cute. She didn't sing in a sad way, just soothing. It made me feel like saying goodbye to the day's adventure was okay because dreaming was a better world to be in. I forgot all about the song until recently when I was reminiscing and I googled it. I still like the song, but it's not as happy or cute as I thought it was. It was a whole other meaning to me now, which I think it was my Grandmother's point all along. When I listen to the song on my CD player at night, it feels like she's still singing it to me, but she's telling me something else.

_Deep in the cell of her heart I really want to go,_  
><em>There is another world,<em>  
><em>There is a better world,<em>  
><em>Ah, there must be,<em>  
><em>Well, there must be<em>

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><p>"Is your name Bella?" Someone taps on my shoulder. I look up, stunned. I don t think I've heard my name through someone else's voice in a while.<p>

It's the new girl, Alice. She has short, straight, brown hair and she's wearing a soft hint of mascara.

"Yes." My voice sounds really rough.

"May I sit here? I don't really know anyone and I just figured since you're all alone, we could give each other some company?" She sounds really unsure of herself, so I nod.

"You're a junior?" She asks. She really wants to make small talk, but can quickly sense that I won't really participate because I keep stuffing peanut butter into my mouth.

Alice seems like a nice person, but she also seems like the type of girl that just needs friends to be okay. Craves the activity. Craves the friendships.

"How did you know my name is Bella?" My voice is still rough, I clear my throat.

"I asked that girl over there, the one wearing the yellow sweater." She points behind her to a table I know very well: the table Tanya sits at.

"Her name is Tanya?" Alice asks, her mind .

I shrug.

I get up with all of my things and throw my tray out. I don't bother saying bye to Alice because I'm sure she won't bother sitting next to me tomorrow.

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><p><strong>happy new year everyone! this was the last thing I did in 2014 and the first thing i did in 2015. thanks for the favsfollows and that one review! i really appreciate it. leave some reviews, pretty please?**

**I don't know how long this story will be, but I will share that it takes a lot of surprising twists and turns, even for me as I'm writing it. **

**Wishing everyone a lot of love and blessings!**

**-onlythingisee**


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